I'm Keeping Busy

It's been awhile since I've posted anything here, but I felt like doing it today. I don't think I will ever complain again that no one wants to hire me. I have been very busy working. Currently I have 4 jobs! They are:

1. My company
2. Adjunct professor
3. Biology tutor at a company
4. Gardening instructor at a local center

Although I have all these jobs, I am still not making much money. I hope that will change someday.

Working In The Incubator

I have started working in the incubator program. They gave me some assignments which are due next Thursday. I don't have to have them totally done by then, but I have to start them and make progress on them. I have to:

1. Make a list of my role models
2. Start a list of people who can be a part of my support system. This will be hard and it will take some time
    because I have to go and talk with people.
3. Write a basic business description including a mission statement, a vision statement, and my core values.
    This is also very hard.
4. Create my business identity including name, tagline, logo, and company colors
5. Do a SWOT analysis. That is an analysis of my (my company) strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and
    threats that might keep me (my company) from succeeding.

My greatest concern is how to get funding for the company. The incubator does not have money to give to incubating companies. They have information on how to get grants and loans, so I will be asking about that this coming week. My husband and I are living off of savings and we will use it up by the beginning of December. It can take time for a company to start generating income, so I am very afraid about all this. I will carry on, one day at a time.

My Hero

I am a baby boomer and as those of you who have been following my blog know, I have been looking for a job for 4 years. Several months ago I came to the conclusion that the reason I have not found a job is because of my age. Recently I talked with several people who were in the same situation as I am and they gave up looking for a job and they started their own businesses. I also talked with an employment specialist and he said that the probability of anyone 50 or older being hired for a job other than at Walmart are slim. 

It seems that only the young are valued in our culture. The general attitude among employers appears to be that anyone over 50 does not have anything more to contribute; that we should just be put out to pasture or just go off somewhere to never be seen or heard from again. Well, Diana Nyad at the age of 64 went and did what other younger people have unsuccessfully tried to do, and what she herself could not do when she was younger. What an inspiration!

Even though potential employers, whose advertised positions I have applied to, may think that I have nothing left to offer and am too old to be of value, I'm not going to let them stop me from working. I have decided to hire myself. I will be starting my own business. I applied to get into a local business start-up incubator and I got accepted! A lot of people who are in their 50s and older are not done with life. I am not done with life. I am just reaching the prime of my life. The best is yet to come!

My Memory

sucks when I'm stressed. Over the past 3 months, I have forgotten my office keys at home 4 times and had to have the college police unlock my office door for me. Twice I forgot and left my cell phone somewhere on campus and the college police had to bring it to me. They now know me.

On my last post on my blog, I put that my boss gave me only 7 days to write the book and at the end of 7 days, I turned everything over to her unfinished. I totally forgot that because I didn't finish the book in 7 days, she gave me a 2 week extension. However, she also increased the number of pages that she wanted me to write from about 100 pages to 300 pages. So it was at the end of 3 weeks, that I turned everything over to her unfinished. I guess I should be grateful for the extra 2 weeks. It allowed me time to write about 80 pages.

So, what have I been doing to deal with my stress? I have started doing yoga. I am doing it everyday for about 30 minutes. I have also started listening to music more often. I am also spending less time on facebook. It was too painful to read about the jobs that my friends are getting and the houses that they are buying and the trips that they take. It's amazing how much these three simple things have helped me. That's all for now.

My Not Forgotten Blog

Although it's been a long time since I posted anything here, I have not forgotten about my blog. A few things have happened since my last post.

The book: I left off with my boss giving me 7 days to write a book. Of course, I couldn't write a book in 7 days. At the end of those 7 days, I gave her what I had. She started screaming. She said she could write a book in 2 days and that she would write it. She said she would remove my name as first author and put me as a secondary author. She wanted everything, my chapter outlines, chapter drafts, grafts, tables, and pictures. It gets worse. The pictures were supposed to be confidential and we would need permissions in order to use them for anything. She said we didn't need permissions. I refused to give her the pictures. It turned into a nasty battle which ended up involving the university attorneys. I won that battle. I turned everything else over to her and went back to working on my other research project.

Lab and Teaching: I had the opportunity to start teaching as an adjunct at a local college. In the fall of 2012, I taught one class and I loved it. My boss wasn't at all happy about it, but she went along with it. So I did both teaching and working in the lab. For the spring 2013 semester, I had the opportunity to teach 3 classes. I knew that she would not allow me to teach in addition to working as a post-doc in her lab. She gave me an ultimatum, either teaching or the post-doc, but not both. I chose the teaching and gave her my letter of resignation. Then she begged me to stay in the lab until she could find another post-doc and so I agreed to work 20 hours per week as a post-doc while teaching elsewhere. I stayed for 3 months while she tried to find another post-doc. It was very hard due to her inability to control her emotions. I survived it, but with some damage. I started having nightmares, anxiety, and panic attacks. I don't feel entirely free yet because I have a manuscript to finish, but I just can't work on it right now.

Teaching: So right now I'm teaching as an adjunct. I love it, but I'm not getting enough hours and money to live on. A full-time teaching position opened up in the department that I am teaching in and I applied for it, but did not get selected for an interview. I had thought for sure that I would at least get an interview, but no, no interview. In a previous post, I had written that I suspected that I was experiencing age discrimination and that might be the reason that I still had no interviews or offers for a permanent position. Finally, I have evidence to suggest that is why I did not get an interview for this position. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about this...file a complaint maybe.

I'm not sure that I have it in me to fight for anything anymore. I'm still dealing with the anxiety, and sadly I'm having some problems with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. These problems did not originate from working in the lab with the abusive boss, but have become greatly exacerbated by it. I'm pretty much dealing with these issues alone because I no longer have health insurance. There are a few low cost clinics in town and I have appointments at two of them for 3 weeks and 8 weeks from now. 

I feel really bad that I have spent so much time and money getting educated and no one will hire me for anything, even if I'm really good at it. My student loan is at 200K now and I have no hope of ever being able to pay it off and no hope of being hired anywhere anymore.

So this is my update on my life for the past year. I'm sorry that it's so depressing.

Oh and the book...she still hasn't finished it. 

Seven Days

That is how long my boss gave me to write a book. A book with several chapters and tables and graphs. I'm not kidding. I guess I should be grateful. At first she said three days and then changed it to seven days.

This occurred during lab meeting last Tuesday, after I handed her the document with some templates and forms that needed to be done for some workshops at the end of July. She said she had been expecting a book from me. But, she had never told me that she wanted a book. She started criticizing me and telling me that what I did was worthless and that I had seven days to write a book.

I can't write a book in seven days. I don't think it's possible to write a book in seven days. So, I am feeling a lot of anxiety over this situation. I have to give her the book this Tuesday and I don't have one to give her. And she will yell and criticize me again in front of my fellow labmates. I wish I could quit this job, but it is my only source of income. I would be glad to hear any suggestions that anyone might have on how to handle this situation.

What Things Want

 A friend posted this poem in Facebook and I love it so much, that I have to post it here. It seems so simple, yet it's so profound. You can read about the poet, Robert Bly, at poets.org

 

What Things Want by Robert Bly

You have to let things
Occupy their own space.
This room is small,
But the green settee

Likes to be here.
The big marsh reeds,
Crowding out the slough,
Find the world good.

You have to let things
Be as they are.
Who knows which of us
Deserves the world more?

Merry Christmas!

I hope you are all having a good holiday. I have been feeling a bit depressed lately because of my never-ending job search and a few health issues. This morning when I got up and went into the dining room, I saw this:

A table full of presents!

Seeing this put a smile on my face and lifted my spirit. Admittedly, I put 7 of them on the table last night because they were from me to my husband. Four more were from family and the rest were from my husband to me! This is what we got:

Circus Train!!!

Good books, music, a movie, a computer game, candy, and a story that my husband wrote for me. Wow!  

My Job Search

I have been very busy at work for the past several weeks. I have been working about 65 hours per week which is way too much for a post-doc position. I can see working 45 hours a week; even 50 hours wouldn't be too much, but 65 is not okay with me. Usually by the time Friday comes around, I feel sick from fatigue. But I just keep on going and I work on the weekends, too.

Anyway, that is mainly why I am not posting much on my blog. When I have the time to post something, I'm just too wiped out to even think of anything to say. The only reason, I am able to post something here tonight is because I only worked 6 hours this weekend. That was all that I could take. If the boss gets mad because certain things did not get done, then so be it.

My job search is ongoing. I applied for a position several weeks ago and made it to the interview stage, but was not selected for the position. That is the story of my life since I got this Doctor degree. I'm starting to think that I made a big mistake in getting this degree. It cost me too much money and I'm not getting much in return. It doesn't help that the economy tanked the year before I graduated, but I really thought that my education and degree would be valued and that I would have at least one job offer by the time I graduated. At least that is the propaganda that I was given before I entered the degree program and that I heard throughout the entire time I was in the program.

Most of the other graduates of the program have found permanent jobs, although there are a few (maybe one or two) that have not. Those that graduated after the economy tanked have found jobs (with the exception of the one or two). I can't help but compare myself to the other graduates, so I have been wondering why me? Not enough experience? I think that might be true for the industry positions that I have applied to and for the one position that my former co-worker and I both applied to and he got it because he had 30 years of experience. For the rest of the positions the "not enough experience" excuse is bullshit. I suppose all of the other graduates of this program had enough experience? The majority of positions that I have applied to have required either my complete work history since I graduated from high school or all of my college transcripts or both. They can't ask me what my age is, but they can sure figure it out by looking at my work history and my transcripts. I think I am experiencing age discrimination. So, there you have it; I've said it. Can't prove it, but I think that's it. Is there any employer out there that is willing to prove me wrong?

I'm De-conditioned...

or is it "De-conditioning"? Due to insurance changes and going without insurance, I've had about 6 different doctors over the last 11 years. When I tell them I think I'm out of shape, they have all said it's de-conditioning. Why are doctors using this term rather than just saying to their patients that they are out of shape and need to exercise. Are they afraid of being politically incorrect?

The following is a conversation between my doctor and me. It doesn't matter which doctor; it's been the same conversation every time.

Me: I think I'm out of shape.

Doctor: It's de-conditioning.

Me: I think I need to exercise more.

Doctor: It's de-conditioning.

Could the failure of doctors and other medical professional to talk about the issue with their patients possibly be contributing to the increasing numbers of Americans that are out of shape, overweight and/or obese?

Well, I'm not waiting for a doctor to tell me I need to exercise. I don't really need to lose more weight; I lost 20 lbs during my last year in my doctoral program and I have never gained it back. But I am very out of shape. So, today I started walking around the building where I work. I walked around the building three times for a total of 15 minutes. The hardest part about doing it is just getting up from my chair and getting out of the building. But, once I'm out there, I don't want to go back inside.

Music Monday

This is Jerry Garcia and Friends performing 'Fire on the Mountain' live in Petaluma, CA in 1987. Carlos Santana plays in this as well. This is a great version!



To view on YouTube the link is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmN0mFHDH2w&NR=1

Odds and Ends

I am not going to be applying for any more jobs right now. Most of the jobs that I have had throughout my life have come to me from people that I either knew or had some connection to. I should have at least gotten an interview for the most recent position that I applied for; the people there knew me. But I didn't even get an interview. It could be my age or my varied work history or who knows what. While I work to figure out what is wrong and what I can do about it (if anything), I will keep an eye out for job opportunities, but will not actively apply for anything for now.

I made the decision a couple of weeks ago that I am not going to get a laptop for now. At the end of August, I will lose my health insurance, so I am going to use the money that I saved for the laptop, for my asthma medicines instead. I have enough money to get 2 months worth of medicines and I will just keep saving to have enough for 3 and 4 months and so on until I can get insurance.

I am also working on cleaning up my blog a bit. There are a few posts that I don't like and will most likely delete them as I have done with a couple already.

Working on a Weekend

There is an additional thing that I have to do that I forgot to put on the list in my last post...I have to write the content for a website describing my research project. The PI wants the content to look like a journal article with an introduction, materials and methods, results, and discussion. It is due tomorrow. I worked on it for about 2 hours on Friday. About 10 minutes after I started I realized that it would be impossible to write a "journal article" in just a few hours. So I am trying a different approach. I will instead put up the title of the grant with the project description, project introduction, research objectives, brief summary of materials and methods, and some results (maybe a few tables). Unfortunately, the project description, introduction, and objectives will all be copied and pasted from the work plan, but that will have to suffice. I have so much data, that it will take hours just to put some of it into a form that can go online. I told the PI that I was uncomfortable with putting data and results online before it has been published, but she said it doesn't really matter. Maybe not to her, but it does to me. Anyway, that is what I am dealing with this weekend.

Swamped

It is overwhelming how much I have to do. I am either working on or have the following to do:

1. Organizing 2 all day workshops, including getting speakers, getting approved for CEUs, acquiring funding and sponsors, food, supplies, and producing flyers - ongoing until the workshops

2. Completing the data and statistical analysis for the first year of my project - ongoing but I have enough for presentations, posters, and publications

3. Preparing a presentation for both workshops (same presentation for both workshops) - must be done by 8/10

4. Preparing 3 posters of stuff related to my research for the workshops - must be back from printer by 8/10

5. Must submit an extensive research progress report (estimated at 30 - 40 single-spaced pages) at end of August

6. Working on 2 manuscripts - due by end of October

It's so much that I am sitting here at work paralyzed. I have completed a lot already, but at the moment I can barely move...

Music Monday

This is Playing for Change performing Back to Your Roots live in Vancouver, British Columbia. It's really good so I just had to post it here. Enjoy!





To view on YouTube the link is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGE7-n9Pbng&feature=related

When I Find Another Job Will There Be Anything Left of Me?

I was hoping to leave work at 5:00 pm today, but 10 minutes ago, the boss came in and made a request. She said "Make a list of all of the ornamental host plants that are susceptible to TSWV and then go to Lowe's and see which ones they have and buy some. Do this RIGHT NOW, TODAY". OMG....

Today I Told My Boss...

...to calm down. She came into the lab this morning in a panic, saying that we needed to spend $50,000 by June 30. She told me to stop what I was doing (my data analysis) and start ordering stuff immediately. She started shrieking and circling the lab bench and saying that today, right now, I had to order a laptop, a water shaker incubator, a refrigerator, 5 cases of petri dishes, and whatever else I could think of.

I am having some problems with high blood pressure because of all of the stress I am experiencing due to stuff like this. Every day there's a crisis over something. So, this morning I took a deep breath and told her to calm down, have a seat, let's do the math, we've already spent a lot of money, I don't think its $50,000. I got out our budget and went over it with her. As it turned out the amount that we had remaining to spend was $6000. So she calmed down and then went off to her other lab. And I was left to deal with trying to calm myself down.

I shouldn't be doing the ordering at all. I am suppose to be doing my research 100% of the time. But she asked me to take on most of the lab management duties because the person that she hired to do that isn't fit for the job. So, now I'm practically doing the work of two people. I work every day. Monday to Friday, I work about 10.5 hrs a day and on weekends I work about 6 hrs a day. I don't take breaks and I don't get paid for overtime.

I need to get out of this job. A person can only handle stuff like this for so long. One post-doc in the lab is leaving after only having worked for a few months and another one that hasn't been in the lab very long is actively searching for another position. I wish I had the time and energy to conduct a job search, but I don't. I feel stuck.

This experience hasn't turned me against doing scientific research. I love science and I love doing research. I just need to be doing it somewhere else. It will be very interesting to see what the future brings for me.

I'm Still Around

It has been a long time since my last post. I have been super busy and have been doing some traveling for my job. I enjoy the traveling; it seems to help reduce the stress of being in the lab. However, either my job is not as stressful as it was or I am learning to handle the stress better. I have been doing yoga, so maybe that's helping.

A major reason that I haven't been posting here is that I don't have access to a computer at home. Notice I didn't write that there is no computer at home. There is one at home, but it belongs to my husband and he is always using it. I can now afford to get a laptop, so I'm starting to look for one.

I'm still at my post doc position. I haven't applied for any jobs in the last several months, but I'm going to have to start looking again. I stopped looking for several reasons: I got too busy with my post doc job, I got tired of fighting for the computer at home, and I just got tired of looking for a job.

I have things on my list that I would like to blog about, so I hope I can find a laptop soon. Thank you for continuing to visit my blog even though I haven't been posting.

A Gift from a Bird

My job is so stressful that I have been thinking about ways to decrease my stress, especially at work. Today I had lunch in my car. I parked it at the end of the parking lot facing a grassy lawn area with pine and oak trees. It was quiet and peaceful; nevermind that the grass was brown because it's dormant.

As I sat there eating my lunch, I remembered another time long ago, that my sister, my niece (who was a toddler then), and I had a picnic at a park. It was a beautiful Southern California summer day. We spread a blanket out on the grass, got down, and started to eat. We were soon joined by birds; maybe about 6 of them. They wanted some food of course.

I've never thought it was a good idea to give human food to wildlife, but on that day, I threw them some crumbs from the biscuit that I was eating. There was one bird in particular that seemed like it was looking at me a lot. I decided I would see how close the bird would get to me, so I put a crumb not too far from where I was sitting; maybe about 1 meter away. The bird hopped closer and took the crumb. I kept decreasing the distance between me and the food, and within 5 min that bird was eating out of my hand!

A few more crumbs and that sweet little bird had its fill. It looked at me and flew off. A few minutes later it came back, landed very close to me and dropped something on the grass right next to me. It looked at me again and then flew off for the last time. I looked down at what was laying on the grass. I picked it up. It was a piece of pink yarn; about 6 cm in length. It was in perfect condition; it wasn't frayed or anything. What a gift! And from a wild bird! Wow!

I kept that piece of yarn for a long time. I wonder what happened to it...

The Job Search Continues

My former co-worker got the job, so my search will continue, just not today or this week because I am too busy in my current job to even get much sleep.