My Not Forgotten Blog

Although it's been a long time since I posted anything here, I have not forgotten about my blog. A few things have happened since my last post.

The book: I left off with my boss giving me 7 days to write a book. Of course, I couldn't write a book in 7 days. At the end of those 7 days, I gave her what I had. She started screaming. She said she could write a book in 2 days and that she would write it. She said she would remove my name as first author and put me as a secondary author. She wanted everything, my chapter outlines, chapter drafts, grafts, tables, and pictures. It gets worse. The pictures were supposed to be confidential and we would need permissions in order to use them for anything. She said we didn't need permissions. I refused to give her the pictures. It turned into a nasty battle which ended up involving the university attorneys. I won that battle. I turned everything else over to her and went back to working on my other research project.

Lab and Teaching: I had the opportunity to start teaching as an adjunct at a local college. In the fall of 2012, I taught one class and I loved it. My boss wasn't at all happy about it, but she went along with it. So I did both teaching and working in the lab. For the spring 2013 semester, I had the opportunity to teach 3 classes. I knew that she would not allow me to teach in addition to working as a post-doc in her lab. She gave me an ultimatum, either teaching or the post-doc, but not both. I chose the teaching and gave her my letter of resignation. Then she begged me to stay in the lab until she could find another post-doc and so I agreed to work 20 hours per week as a post-doc while teaching elsewhere. I stayed for 3 months while she tried to find another post-doc. It was very hard due to her inability to control her emotions. I survived it, but with some damage. I started having nightmares, anxiety, and panic attacks. I don't feel entirely free yet because I have a manuscript to finish, but I just can't work on it right now.

Teaching: So right now I'm teaching as an adjunct. I love it, but I'm not getting enough hours and money to live on. A full-time teaching position opened up in the department that I am teaching in and I applied for it, but did not get selected for an interview. I had thought for sure that I would at least get an interview, but no, no interview. In a previous post, I had written that I suspected that I was experiencing age discrimination and that might be the reason that I still had no interviews or offers for a permanent position. Finally, I have evidence to suggest that is why I did not get an interview for this position. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about this...file a complaint maybe.

I'm not sure that I have it in me to fight for anything anymore. I'm still dealing with the anxiety, and sadly I'm having some problems with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. These problems did not originate from working in the lab with the abusive boss, but have become greatly exacerbated by it. I'm pretty much dealing with these issues alone because I no longer have health insurance. There are a few low cost clinics in town and I have appointments at two of them for 3 weeks and 8 weeks from now. 

I feel really bad that I have spent so much time and money getting educated and no one will hire me for anything, even if I'm really good at it. My student loan is at 200K now and I have no hope of ever being able to pay it off and no hope of being hired anywhere anymore.

So this is my update on my life for the past year. I'm sorry that it's so depressing.

Oh and the book...she still hasn't finished it. 

Seven Days

That is how long my boss gave me to write a book. A book with several chapters and tables and graphs. I'm not kidding. I guess I should be grateful. At first she said three days and then changed it to seven days.

This occurred during lab meeting last Tuesday, after I handed her the document with some templates and forms that needed to be done for some workshops at the end of July. She said she had been expecting a book from me. But, she had never told me that she wanted a book. She started criticizing me and telling me that what I did was worthless and that I had seven days to write a book.

I can't write a book in seven days. I don't think it's possible to write a book in seven days. So, I am feeling a lot of anxiety over this situation. I have to give her the book this Tuesday and I don't have one to give her. And she will yell and criticize me again in front of my fellow labmates. I wish I could quit this job, but it is my only source of income. I would be glad to hear any suggestions that anyone might have on how to handle this situation.

What Things Want

 A friend posted this poem in Facebook and I love it so much, that I have to post it here. It seems so simple, yet it's so profound. You can read about the poet, Robert Bly, at poets.org

 

What Things Want by Robert Bly

You have to let things
Occupy their own space.
This room is small,
But the green settee

Likes to be here.
The big marsh reeds,
Crowding out the slough,
Find the world good.

You have to let things
Be as they are.
Who knows which of us
Deserves the world more?

Merry Christmas!

I hope you are all having a good holiday. I have been feeling a bit depressed lately because of my never-ending job search and a few health issues. This morning when I got up and went into the dining room, I saw this:

A table full of presents!

Seeing this put a smile on my face and lifted my spirit. Admittedly, I put 7 of them on the table last night because they were from me to my husband. Four more were from family and the rest were from my husband to me! This is what we got:

Circus Train!!!

Good books, music, a movie, a computer game, candy, and a story that my husband wrote for me. Wow!  

My Job Search

I have been very busy at work for the past several weeks. I have been working about 65 hours per week which is way too much for a post-doc position. I can see working 45 hours a week; even 50 hours wouldn't be too much, but 65 is not okay with me. Usually by the time Friday comes around, I feel sick from fatigue. But I just keep on going and I work on the weekends, too.

Anyway, that is mainly why I am not posting much on my blog. When I have the time to post something, I'm just too wiped out to even think of anything to say. The only reason, I am able to post something here tonight is because I only worked 6 hours this weekend. That was all that I could take. If the boss gets mad because certain things did not get done, then so be it.

My job search is ongoing. I applied for a position several weeks ago and made it to the interview stage, but was not selected for the position. That is the story of my life since I got this Doctor degree. I'm starting to think that I made a big mistake in getting this degree. It cost me too much money and I'm not getting much in return. It doesn't help that the economy tanked the year before I graduated, but I really thought that my education and degree would be valued and that I would have at least one job offer by the time I graduated. At least that is the propaganda that I was given before I entered the degree program and that I heard throughout the entire time I was in the program.

Most of the other graduates of the program have found permanent jobs, although there are a few (maybe one or two) that have not. Those that graduated after the economy tanked have found jobs (with the exception of the one or two). I can't help but compare myself to the other graduates, so I have been wondering why me? Not enough experience? I think that might be true for the industry positions that I have applied to and for the one position that my former co-worker and I both applied to and he got it because he had 30 years of experience. For the rest of the positions the "not enough experience" excuse is bullshit. I suppose all of the other graduates of this program had enough experience? The majority of positions that I have applied to have required either my complete work history since I graduated from high school or all of my college transcripts or both. They can't ask me what my age is, but they can sure figure it out by looking at my work history and my transcripts. I think I am experiencing age discrimination. So, there you have it; I've said it. Can't prove it, but I think that's it. Is there any employer out there that is willing to prove me wrong?

I'm De-conditioned...

or is it "De-conditioning"? Due to insurance changes and going without insurance, I've had about 6 different doctors over the last 11 years. When I tell them I think I'm out of shape, they have all said it's de-conditioning. Why are doctors using this term rather than just saying to their patients that they are out of shape and need to exercise. Are they afraid of being politically incorrect?

The following is a conversation between my doctor and me. It doesn't matter which doctor; it's been the same conversation every time.

Me: I think I'm out of shape.

Doctor: It's de-conditioning.

Me: I think I need to exercise more.

Doctor: It's de-conditioning.

Could the failure of doctors and other medical professional to talk about the issue with their patients possibly be contributing to the increasing numbers of Americans that are out of shape, overweight and/or obese?

Well, I'm not waiting for a doctor to tell me I need to exercise. I don't really need to lose more weight; I lost 20 lbs during my last year in my doctoral program and I have never gained it back. But I am very out of shape. So, today I started walking around the building where I work. I walked around the building three times for a total of 15 minutes. The hardest part about doing it is just getting up from my chair and getting out of the building. But, once I'm out there, I don't want to go back inside.

Music Monday

This is Jerry Garcia and Friends performing 'Fire on the Mountain' live in Petaluma, CA in 1987. Carlos Santana plays in this as well. This is a great version!



To view on YouTube the link is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmN0mFHDH2w&NR=1